I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
