I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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