I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
