Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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