My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
