i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
