i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
