Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have feelings that need drinking.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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