I'm lost and stupid without you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
