i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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