Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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