so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
