My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
