saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize