Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
