Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
