God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
