bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
