I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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