I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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