Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
