ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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