so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
