i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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