I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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