I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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