I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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