i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Less talking, more tequila
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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