if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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