I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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