no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
