She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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