apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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