Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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