Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
