What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He shit in the fireplace
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