The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
