it wasn't lemon gatorade
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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