nut hugger
Me. At least after what I've been through.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
