Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
