Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
