Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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