True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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