Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's just like the Real World with babies
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just blew my weed a kiss
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize