If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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