I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
