Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You work out of a Hotel?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
