Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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