her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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