Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
