I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
