Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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