Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
