the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
