Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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