Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
