Nicole vs. Life
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
