Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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