Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
where are my eyebrows?
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