life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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